… I’m posting a blog entry

… while running some Matlab code for my Masters’ research

… and I’m not hating it, avoiding it, or finding any old excuse not to do either.

I’m sucking it up. I’m doing what needs to be done to get this monkey (the thesis, not the blog) off my back. And I’m making (another) public declaration of my commitment through this medium in hopes of keeping myself Accountable.

Let me digress… almost two months ago, I turned 28. It’s not a milestone year, except for the fact that it’s closer to 25 than to 30. I’m not fearful of 30 or anything, but turning 30 is one of those Milestones. Some call 25 a milestone (my sister-in-law the doctor proclaimed that when she turned 25 she was ‘entering a whole new age bracket for different diseases’), but IMO you’re still figuring out who and what you are at 25. You’re still a “youf” (bonus points to anyone who catches the reference… ). You can still frig around, mess up and recover, and no one is going to judge you as being a failure. But 30… though I know some (many) who would argue with me, to be 30 is to be Grown Up (note the caps). Not necessarily meaning you have to stop being fun or silly (I don’t think I could do that if I tried), but it means to start taking Control and taking Responsibility (again, note the caps) of my life and my actions (or lack thereof).

So, I’ve been making the slow movement towards being a Grown Up, taking Control and Responsibility for my life. And the biggest thing I haven’t been taking Responsibility for is the commitment I made 4.5 years ago to get my M.Eng. degree (yes, it’s been THAT long). Rather than play the game of Avoidance, I’m giving in, sitting down, coding up, and seeing what happens.

I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, I’ve got to check on my results.

I’m off work this week, but not to go anywhere fun and interesting (though we may go camping tomorrow!).  I am home, helping my DH with a list of home repairs and improvements.  The windows are painted, and the basement bathroom is being worked on.  I can’t do “before” pictures because this project is a long time in the making, but I’ll show some “after” pics when it’s done.

I haven’t posted anything in a really really really long time.  I’ll start soon.

I was one of many who lined up at Chapters on Friday evening to get my pre-ordered copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows… I’ve been counting down the days, spent the past few months re-reading the previous books for clues as to the fate of the wizarding world. I devoured it Saturday, but not in the manner I’ve read the previous releases; I read it quickly in careful chunks, wanting to let what was happening sink in rather than letting events tangle and blur in my mind (because, not to give anything away to those waiting to read it, but it IS an action-packed book). Some make fun of me for only reading every second word, and while that’s not true, once my copy of the book returns back to me I will be re-reading at a more leisurely pace, to enjoy the company of characters I’ve watched grow and develop over a seven-year span. This article from CBC perfectly fits my thoughts on the series and what it has meant in the bigger picture. We even jumped into the series at the same time, and while we’ll both miss Harry and the gang (my favorite has always been Hermoine, but not how she is portayed in the movies… the Hermoine I see when reading will always be the Hermoine I first pictured when reading), the series is over and that’s that. But for a brief while, millions of Muggles have been simultaneously enthralled by a tale of external and internal struggle.

Ya wouldn’t always think it, to look at the weather we’ve had here lately.  One nice day means we must have at least two cold and foggy/rainy days. Honest.  It doesn’t feel like summer yet either.  Could be because I haven’t done my doing yet.  It’s hard….. I was away for two weeks for work, now  Brian is spending the week in Oslo for work, so it’s not like we can camp (if the weather were to cooperate).  But hey, one good recent development is that Geoff’s home for good! I’m trying to be productive.  One thing I did do last night was update my gallery.  You can now find pics from my latest work trip to Samara, Russia, with a day stopover in London thrown in for good measure.  It was a good trip in that work went pretty much as planned and wasn’t too tiring.  Some very nice people from some lovely places.

My loving hubby has often accused me of caring too much about what other people will think if I say/do something, and I’m slowly coming around to believe that he’s right (I know, he’s ALWAYS right, that’s what he thinks ayway ;) ).  I’ve acted differently than I wanted or have done something (or not done something) in hopes of being perceived in a positive light (eg. interesting, ‘good’, smart, etc., etc.), even though it’s not what I wanted to say or do.  Sometimes I doubt I have an “inner sense of self”.  Would I be the same person today if I wasn’t so influenced by “outside forces”?  Have I missed opportunities and chances?  Who knows?  Some days I wonder if I’ve made the right decisions in life, but I think we all do that from time to time… don’t we?

But here’s the thing… I’ve never been one to trust my own judgement when it comes to me, I think I’ve always looked for outside validation.  I’ve always subscribed to the “You are what other people think you are” notion.  But what good is that if you’re not sure yourself what you are?  What do you do when you’re alone, stop being anything?  I think I have a problem, call it low self-esteem or improper self-image or anything you want.  And I want to work to fix it.  I’m closer to 30 than to 25 and I figured that by now, I would have figured out who I am and what I want and what I want to be, what defines Lori if you will… maybe not enough for a Wikipedia page but something to write on a napkin.  But every once in a while this feeling of “Am I myself, or am I being the person I’m expected to be, or am I being the person I expect others expect of me, or am I being the person I want others to think I am even though they don’t expect it?”.  It usually comes out of nowhere, but it’s hit me a little more lately than before (maybe because I do see 30 just around the corner… not that I fear aging mind you, I honestly don’t).  Maybe I’m having my mid-life crisis (doesn’t bode well for longevity)? Or maybe I’m noticing that people tend to think a lot less about me (in terms of quantity, not quality) than I once thought.  Hey, maybe I think to much about myself.  Maybe I’m overanalyzing here.

Oh dear.  I’ve unloaded a lot on the internet, and I haven’t been drinking (well, one beer doesn’t count).  And damnit, I’m gonna publish this (please note that it has not been checked from grammar or spelling).  Those five people who actually read this thing may get concerned about my well-being… don’t be.  I’ll be fine.  I think.

For those of you wondering where Fido Dido ever went, I guess the N. American market wasn’t his cup of tea, so he went to Russia.

Memed from half a dozen different people

you:

[] You own over 10 bottles of nail polish

[] You own a designer purse

[] You own perfume that cost over $60

[X] You had/have fake nails

[x] You have more body/hair products than you can use

[] Your pet is a chihuahua/Pomeranian/Terrier/Siamese

[X] You have clothes/shoes/accessories for your pet

[] You have enough clothes to cover an entire refugee camp.

[x] You have enough pictures to create your own wallpaper.

[] A pink comforter, carpeting, walls or sheets.

total so far: 4

Do you:

[] Spend more time at the mall than you do at home/work

[x]Have a hair color that is not natural

[] Have “blonde moments” at least once a day

[X] Buy stuff because it’s awesome and then never wear it

[] Constantly keep your phone at your side

[] Dance around in your room when nobody else is home

[] Have a name for your car

[X] Know what celebrity is dating who and who broke up this week

[] Refuse to go out in public without makeup

[] Prefer to be called “princess”

total so far: 6

Do you adore:

[] Makeup

[] Glitter

[] The Color Pink

[] Shopping

[] Jewelry

[] Mirrors

[X] Chick flicks

[x] Shoes

[] Rainbows

[] Unicorns

[X] Disney Movies

[] Candles

[] Flowers

[] Stuffed Animals

[] Purses

total so far: 9

Do you shop at:

[] Coach

[] Forever 21

[] Victoria’s Secret

[] Guess

[] Claires

[] Express

[] Delias

[X] MAC

[X] Sephora

[] Bebe

total so far: 11

DO YOU SAY:

[]Bitch

[X]Whatever

[] Oh my gosh/goodness

[] Hun

[] Fugly

[] That’s hot

[] Dunzo

[] Darling

[] Psh

[] Cutie

[] Skank

[] Totally

[X] For Sure

[] Fantabulous

total so far: 13

Do You Read:

[x] Cosmopolitan

[] Glamour

[] Marie Claire

[] Elle Girl

[] Teen Vogue

[] People

[] Us Weekly

[] Star

[] Self

[X] PerezHilton.com

[] Dlisted.com

[] 17online.com

[X] people.com

[] usmagazine.com

[] popsugar.com

[X] Pink Is The New Blog.com

total so far: 17

Do You Love These:

[x] Legally Blonde

[] Elizabethtown

[] Mean Girls

[] Now & Then

[] The Notebook

[] A Walk to Remember

[X] Sweet Home Alabama

[] Where the Heart is

[] Just My Luck

[] John Tucker Must Die

[] Centerstage

[] Bring it On

[] How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

[] Mona Lisa Smile

[] My Girl

total so far: 19

Are you Addicted to…

[]America’s Next Top Model

[] Project Runway

[] Desperate Housewives

[] The Simple Life

[] 8th & Ocean

[x] Sex & the City

[] Grey’s Anatomy

[] The O.C.

[] Laguna Beach/The Hills

[] Nip/Tuck

[] Gilmore Girls

TOTAL: 20

Multiply by 2…. 40

This is several weeks old, but to continue the trend I started a while back, I would be remiss if I didn’t comment on it.

Mystery revealed: Poppy quarter led to U.S. spy warnings

It turns out our “strange” coloured quarters caused the alert that we were spyng on our allies with high-tech coins.  Silly us with our coloured money… I’m surprised they haven’t suspected this for years, what with our “funny Monopoly money” we have in bills.  But it’s wise to implement this spying scheme through the change people receive at Tim Horton’s… our other secret weapon. :)

I’ve been talking to friends and stalking more on Facebook, wedding invites are arriving at our mailbox, and it’s hit me… the weather is getting better (knock wood), summer is coming and people are starting to make plans. I vaguely recall starting last summer with great plans of what I would see, do and accomplish… only to blink and find that summer was over and nothing was done. (This is a constant theme, for anyone who’s been reading my blabbering for a while).  I’m adament… almost mad.  Not this summer will life pass me by, gosh darn it!

Now, when you see the below list you will realize that I need help from others to accomplish some most of this.  But life is too short to hesitate.  You never know where life will take us next summer, and I don’t want to reach September with the same feeling of disappointment.

Summer Activities/Tasks/Goals

1.  Go diving!

2.  Go camping in Terra Nova.

3.  Spend a weekend out at Northern Bay Sands.

4.  Get the bedroom closet and things under the bed “permanently” organized (i.e. come up with a system).

5.  Establish an exercise routine.

6.  Fix the dining room floor/door, and by necessary extension the front door.

7.  Go camping at Lamanche.

8.  Hike to the Spout (overnight optional).

9.  Get the spare rooms in organized shape.

10.  Get research/thesis progressed to a state where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ve been increasingly annoyed by the federal government’s insistence on refering to itself as “Canada’s New Government” on every press release, in every speech, even on the website, since said government came into power almost a year and a half ago.  After a year and a hlaf, it ain’t “new”, people.  Certainly not considering that on average we have elections every four years… it’s more like “Canada’s Middle-Aged Government”.

So, take a look at a few of the alternate suggestions here, and if you feel like I do, sign the online petition.  It won’t change anything, but may make you (and me) feel better.