Random Ramblings

The Personal Blog of Lori Hogan

What I Think I Think

My loving hubby has often accused me of caring too much about what other people will think if I say/do something, and I’m slowly coming around to believe that he’s right (I know, he’s ALWAYS right, that’s what he thinks ayway ;) ).  I’ve acted differently than I wanted or have done something (or not done something) in hopes of being perceived in a positive light (eg. interesting, ‘good’, smart, etc., etc.), even though it’s not what I wanted to say or do.  Sometimes I doubt I have an “inner sense of self”.  Would I be the same person today if I wasn’t so influenced by “outside forces”?  Have I missed opportunities and chances?  Who knows?  Some days I wonder if I’ve made the right decisions in life, but I think we all do that from time to time… don’t we?

But here’s the thing… I’ve never been one to trust my own judgement when it comes to me, I think I’ve always looked for outside validation.  I’ve always subscribed to the “You are what other people think you are” notion.  But what good is that if you’re not sure yourself what you are?  What do you do when you’re alone, stop being anything?  I think I have a problem, call it low self-esteem or improper self-image or anything you want.  And I want to work to fix it.  I’m closer to 30 than to 25 and I figured that by now, I would have figured out who I am and what I want and what I want to be, what defines Lori if you will… maybe not enough for a Wikipedia page but something to write on a napkin.  But every once in a while this feeling of “Am I myself, or am I being the person I’m expected to be, or am I being the person I expect others expect of me, or am I being the person I want others to think I am even though they don’t expect it?”.  It usually comes out of nowhere, but it’s hit me a little more lately than before (maybe because I do see 30 just around the corner… not that I fear aging mind you, I honestly don’t).  Maybe I’m having my mid-life crisis (doesn’t bode well for longevity)? Or maybe I’m noticing that people tend to think a lot less about me (in terms of quantity, not quality) than I once thought.  Hey, maybe I think to much about myself.  Maybe I’m overanalyzing here.

Oh dear.  I’ve unloaded a lot on the internet, and I haven’t been drinking (well, one beer doesn’t count).  And damnit, I’m gonna publish this (please note that it has not been checked from grammar or spelling).  Those five people who actually read this thing may get concerned about my well-being… don’t be.  I’ll be fine.  I think.