I feel very anticipatory right now, but I have nothing really to anticipate. Thus, I’m kind of sad/down/depressed when I think about it. Might be the extra caffeine I injected into my body earlier to combat the 4pm tireds… might be this work report I’m trying to finish on a project that once again I’ve under-performed in. But hey, what else is new?
Generally lately I’ve determined I have a very self-defeatist attitude. Most things I start I don’t expect to finish, or complete satisfactorily - for some reason, I’ve usually assumed everyone takes that same approach to life, but more and more I find I’m wrong (great, another thing I can’t do right). I mean, in my head I know I’ve done some good and successful things in my life (marriage to a wonderful dude, graduating, jobs, scholarships, overcome fear of driving, done some good things in volunteer positions I’ve held), but most days the only thoughts that come to me are about the stupid things I’ve done and said, or the things that haven’t gone right. Or sometimes I think that the things I’ve excelled at are flukes, luck or because people like me.
Somedays I think that self-defeatism is what’s throwing me off from FINALLY finishing the masters. I also think that’d part of the reason I’ve failed to complete the diving course - when the minor things go wrong (feet not in drysuit boots, normal tiredness) I see it as the sign I’m not meant to do it, and I give up (I’ll have some pics from this weekend’s course that Brian successfully finished (love you honey!)). I try and try again, but sometimes I only think that’s because what’s expected of me (not necesarily with the diving thing, but with life in general). I’m doing okay with the weight loss/fitness plan, but I’m not sure if I really believe I can stay at an ideal weight and keep myself in shape.
I don’t know how to shake this funk, because it’s generally been part of me since I-don’t-know-when… only difference is that I think it’s grown as life gets less easy. I mean, I’ve read some self-help articles on positive self-talk, make a list of the good things so hen you start getting negative you can refer to it, be nice to yourself for five minutes straight… but to be honest, it all seems like crap. So to does the “blame it on XXX” school of thought.
I’ll be okay.. sorry for bring y’all down in my pity party. I’m not normally this negative, and I’ll try not be in future. I just needed to get it out, maybe my own form of therapy. Okay, that’s done. Onward and upward?